the holidays make me feel even more fat... and not just the food part.  People give me clothing that is too large and it hurts.  I mean honestly do I look that big to you?  I hope not.  I feel so disgusting inside and out.  I have been thinking lately about my odd habits.  I used to (and I still do often) discount my unusual behavior as normal. 
Examples: 

    *I'm just picky
    *I don't purge every day (and then I did so it became...)
    *I don't purge more than once a day (but then I did...)
    *I don't purge everything I eat
    *I'm not really purging just um... rinsing my stomach
    *I'm not starving myself!  I just can't eat too much because it makes me want to purge!
The stomach rinsing is probably the oddest thing right?  Basically that is when I drink a lot of water and then vomit and repeat the process till I get only water followed by bile and of course streaks of blood from my throat.  Disgusting no?  It is... satisfying though.   I can't say it exactly feels good but there is an awesome sense of relief involved. 

I really don't want to lose my hair.  I'm not anywhere near a weight that would cause that to happen... but I haven't stopped this shit despite health complications more serious than hair loss so I don't know.  Am I going to stop?  Well so far I'm just taking vitamins and supplements.  To be honest though one of the pills is supposed to speed my metabolism and another is a stimulant to give me energy.  Should I just sleep more and eat better?  Yes.  Will I?  No probably not.