WARNING
IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 AND/OR EASILY INFLUENCED GET OUT OF HERE
I CURSE and I live a negative lifestyle and I am so NOT responsible for any dumb ideas you get from reading this. 

Any how...

 I have many well let's just say a few minor complications from years of disordered eating.  I'm sort of half into and half out of recovery at this point.  I really don't have anyone to talk to about all this and sure I could go to therapy but I don't really like to be forced into anything.  I don't expect sympathy and if this blog gets zero comments forever I don't really care.  I'm just here to sort of rant and figure things out on paper... or screen I suppose.  If this offends anyone stay away.  If details trigger you... stay away.  If you want to tell me to just stop or call me stupid then stay away.  OK?

 Here I go.

I'm tired all the time.  I know it's my own fault and so when it brings other people down I feel like such a horrible person.  I'm sorry I can't stay up and drink with you.  The alcohol has too many calories and I'm tired OK?  I can feel my shoulder blades and the tense muscles between them.  It doesn't hurt but it feels awkward.  I've got to run today. 

Eating disorders are ugly.  My hands are scarred, my teeth are ruined.  I am afraid of my dinner tomorrow.  I currently look pretty healthy but the other night I got incredibly dizzy and I couldn't stop shaking.   I'm maintaining just enough visible normality that no one harasses me about my habits.  You see me eat.  You don't see me vomit till my throat bleeds, or throw the food away after a couple bites.  God my roommate must think I eat several tons of food a day!  I make a point to have people see me eat... so if I'm with someone all day the get to see me put on the meal show for EVERYONE I come into contact with.  It's a waste though.  I really don't have enough money to throw things out. 

My normal weight is killing me.  I can feel the bones in my shoulders and my ribcage as I move.  They want to be seen.