the holidays make me feel even more fat... and not just the food part.  People give me clothing that is too large and it hurts.  I mean honestly do I look that big to you?  I hope not.  I feel so disgusting inside and out.  I have been thinking lately about my odd habits.  I used to (and I still do often) discount my unusual behavior as normal. 
Examples: 

    *I'm just picky
    *I don't purge every day (and then I did so it became...)
    *I don't purge more than once a day (but then I did...)
    *I don't purge everything I eat
    *I'm not really purging just um... rinsing my stomach
    *I'm not starving myself!  I just can't eat too much because it makes me want to purge!
The stomach rinsing is probably the oddest thing right?  Basically that is when I drink a lot of water and then vomit and repeat the process till I get only water followed by bile and of course streaks of blood from my throat.  Disgusting no?  It is... satisfying though.   I can't say it exactly feels good but there is an awesome sense of relief involved. 

I really don't want to lose my hair.  I'm not anywhere near a weight that would cause that to happen... but I haven't stopped this shit despite health complications more serious than hair loss so I don't know.  Am I going to stop?  Well so far I'm just taking vitamins and supplements.  To be honest though one of the pills is supposed to speed my metabolism and another is a stimulant to give me energy.  Should I just sleep more and eat better?  Yes.  Will I?  No probably not. 

WARNING
IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 AND/OR EASILY INFLUENCED GET OUT OF HERE
I CURSE and I live a negative lifestyle and I am so NOT responsible for any dumb ideas you get from reading this. 

Any how...

 I have many well let's just say a few minor complications from years of disordered eating.  I'm sort of half into and half out of recovery at this point.  I really don't have anyone to talk to about all this and sure I could go to therapy but I don't really like to be forced into anything.  I don't expect sympathy and if this blog gets zero comments forever I don't really care.  I'm just here to sort of rant and figure things out on paper... or screen I suppose.  If this offends anyone stay away.  If details trigger you... stay away.  If you want to tell me to just stop or call me stupid then stay away.  OK?

 Here I go.

I'm tired all the time.  I know it's my own fault and so when it brings other people down I feel like such a horrible person.  I'm sorry I can't stay up and drink with you.  The alcohol has too many calories and I'm tired OK?  I can feel my shoulder blades and the tense muscles between them.  It doesn't hurt but it feels awkward.  I've got to run today. 

Eating disorders are ugly.  My hands are scarred, my teeth are ruined.  I am afraid of my dinner tomorrow.  I currently look pretty healthy but the other night I got incredibly dizzy and I couldn't stop shaking.   I'm maintaining just enough visible normality that no one harasses me about my habits.  You see me eat.  You don't see me vomit till my throat bleeds, or throw the food away after a couple bites.  God my roommate must think I eat several tons of food a day!  I make a point to have people see me eat... so if I'm with someone all day the get to see me put on the meal show for EVERYONE I come into contact with.  It's a waste though.  I really don't have enough money to throw things out. 

My normal weight is killing me.  I can feel the bones in my shoulders and my ribcage as I move.  They want to be seen.